Through my eyes
by missywill
Summary: He's...going to come after me I know it." Jessica gets thrown into a world where she questions the truth behind everything surrounding her. Her life is at stake, but would a certain boy from her past be her cop in shiny amour? Will have to seeeeee :


Wow…it's been a long time since I've actually been on this site! I started remising the past tonight and going through my old pieces of work when I actually remembered posting a couple of stories here. I went through this story in particular, because I could remember how obsessed I was with the series, and how upset I got when Nick was taken out of SVU. So to make a long story short: I'm basically re-writing this whole story. I see many mistakes that I could fix; some of the plot was a bit messed up and too sudden. So as you guys can probably tell from the new title I'm changing this whole story around. Sooooooooooooo be prepared! Reviews help too 

This is dedicated to the reader's that believed in this story. Thank You.

This story is taking place shortly after Nick gets shot, and is presumed dead.

**CHAPTER 1: FINAL WORDS**

There was a hole, yeah… a hole. I think that's the best way to describe it, a hole. It's on the left side of my chest. I could feel it…nudging inside of me as I swallow the urge to cry. _I can't…_

"Jess?" I kept my gaze focused on the ceiling as I watch the light from the hallway slowly fill my room. "Jessica? Honey…it's almost time to go-"

"I'm not going." I didn't recognize the voice that came out of me…deep and raspy…is this really me? I could feel the side of my bed slowly sink down as my twin sister Elizabeth sat down beside me. I refused to meet her gaze as I felt her hand slowly brush against my cheek. "I'm not going Elizabeth…"

I sense her hesitate, finding her words carefully and she continues to run her hand across my cheek. "Jessica, maybe it will help…you know like maybe it will give you some closure-"

"CLOSURE!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!" I flew out of bed and whorled around to face her. "How…Elizabeth! Tell me HOW you could find closure with something like this!" I watched her struggling to find something to say. "How does SAYING GOOD BYE HELP MAKE IT BETTER! HOW!"

"He would want you to be there Jess,"

"DON'T!" I couldn't hear anymore of it…the hole…I could feel it nudging hard against my chest as I fought against it to breathe. Elizabeth slowly stood up from the bed, I watched her slowly hesitate as she took a step towards me. "Elizabeth…" I choked out as I felt my legs slowly give out from beneath me; I gave in and let the tears fall. I felt Elizabeth's arms wrap around me in a tight embrace. The hole grew with each sob I let out, I kept gasping for air hoping that it wouldn't consume me. For the first time in my life I could honestly say that my heart was truly broken. I could feel Elizabeth gently rubbing my back, "Liz….he's really gone. Nick…oh god it hurts," I choked out as I rested my head on my twins shoulder.

"That's not true Jess; Nick's always going to be with you, do you know how much he loved you?" Elizabeth gently pushed Jessica away. "Every time he talked about you Jessica, there was a twinkle in his eye even when you drove him nuts!" They both chuckled, "But he still stayed with you Jess, through everything he was there for you, he loved you for who you are." She slowly wiped the tears from Jessica's face. "He would hate to see you like this Jess…" She could feel her own tears building up behind her eyes. "I hate seeing you like this…you're my sister….my best friend…will find a way through this okay?" Elizabeth placed both hands on Jessica's face. "We will get through this." Both of them quickly pulled one another in a tight embrace.

* * *

Todd watched Elizabeth slowly walk down the drive way towards his vehicle; she hesitated as she opened the passenger side door. "Is…Jessica coming?" She didn't answer him as she sat down and closed the door. They both sat in silence for a few minutes, before there was a knock on Todd's window. He quickly rolled it down, "Lila,"

"Todd…Elizabeth," She slowly nodded her head, "Um, the Thetas are all here, we all knew how much Jessica…" She looked down at the ground before meeting Elizabeth's gaze. "I tried to call, and even wanted to visit but…were here for Jessica." She nodded her head at Liz.

"Thank you Lila, I'm sure Jess knows that already…it's just been…difficult."

"Oh I know…its hard…were just going to follow you guys to the funeral hall,"

"Okay," Todd nodded his head as he watched Lila back away and slowly move to her SUV where she joined her other Theta sisters. "Elizabeth…"

She nodded her head when she saw the front door of Jessica's house open. "She's coming."

* * *

_Take a breath  
I pull myself together…_

I can do this…I thought to myself as I slowly pulled myself from the warm grasp of my comforter. I can do this…I kept thinking as I slowly pulled off "Nick's shirt," for just a spilt second I allowed myself to take in his scent, the fresh smell of sandal wood and cinnamon. I felt myself smile as I remembered poking fun at him wearing "perfume." What was it that he said to me that night? _"It all for you Jess…everything I do and get….its all for you."_ I smiled as I remembered the way he pulled me in his arms, and trailed kisses along my neck. _"All for you…"_ I slowly opened my eyes. I sucked in a deep breath as I picked the dress up that Elizabeth left for me on the bed. Simple black sleeves dress; it was perfect. I slowly walked out of my bedroom closing the door softly behind me and went to the bathroom. I flicked on the light and avoided looking at the person in the mirror as I ran water over my face and quickly dried myself off with the hand towel.

I can do this…I opened my eyes and look at the girl in the mirror. I didn't recognize her at all…her blue eyes were red, her once tanned skin looked pale, and flushed she looked…sunken…lost even. I quickly shook my head walking out of the bathroom not bothering to put any make up on. I found my black sandals right by the door. "Thank you Liz," I slowly put them on and stood straight facing the door. I can do this…

_Just another step till I reach the door  
You'll never know the way it tears me up inside to see you  
I wish that I could tell you something…  
To take it all away_

I kept my gaze focused on the ground as I slowly closed the door behind me. I turned around and headed towards Todd's black Volkswagen, I could see Liz's smile of encouragement from the front seat. I nodded back at her and noticed several other vehicles along the street, the thetas …I watched all my sisters slowly wave at me and I returned the gesture. I quickly pulled open the back seat door and sat down.

Todd moved uncomfortably from his seat. "Listen Jess…I know-"

"It's fine Todd…"

"Really I would just like to say…I'm here if you need to talk." He met her gaze in the rear view mirror, and cringed at how small she looked in the back seat.

"Thank you…" I choked on my words, no…no more tears….I kept telling myself as I felt the car pull out of the drive way. I kept my gaze focus on the world outside of the moving car.

_Sometimes I wish I could save you  
And there're so many things that I want you to know  
I won't give up till it's over  
If it takes you forever I want you to know_

I vaguely remember how we got there…all I can remember is hearing Elizabeth call my name from the front seat. I quickly turned to face her, and was met with their worried faces. I just blankly started at them…this was it…this was it. "Were here…already?" They both just nodded their heads slowly. I sucked in a deep breath, "I can do this…." I pushed opened the door and slowly stepped out of the car. I just stood there for a moment taking in the people standing in a line outside of the funeral home, some were talking quietly among one another, I could hear the laughter from kids, and their parents scowling them. I felt Elizabeth's arm bracing my own, I looked at her and she slowly nodded her head. We both walked towards the line, Todd not too far behind us. I nodded my head to the familiar faces, fighting among myself to keep my composure.

"Miss. Wakefield? Jessica Wakefield?" I turned towards the voice, and saw a few men in cop uniforms. The hole in my chest started to burn. I couldn't answer them; all I could do was nod my head. One of them stepped towards me and started speaking quickly to me…I couldn't understand him so I just kept nodding my head to whatever he was saying. I felt the sympathetic stares of the rest of the uniformed men, as I eyed their uniforms…._Nick had one just like that_…

**FLASHBACK **

"_OOOOOOW I LIKE THIS!" I giggled as I heard Nick sigh heavily in the living room._

"_Jess could we just have…you know…a quite night tonight? I'm not up for any games," _

_I heard him flick the t.v on, "A quite night? I don't think that's possible with me Mr. Fox and besides," I continued in a sing song voice from his room "you could like this game," _

"_Not tonight Jess…please I had a lot of stuff go down at work today, we'll play your game another time." He kept flicking the channels deciding on which channel to stick with. The channel surfing stopped when he heard a slight crash…followed by a loud curse. "Jess?"_

"_gahhhh damnit when did you put that shelf there? I never saw it there before!" I held onto my foot tightly hoping that it would somehow ease the pain. I glanced down at the small book shelf that was toppled over, with books spewing all over the place. I heard a slight chuckle from the door way. "awwww Nick! It's not funny I hurt myself! When was this put there? First time I ever saw this shelf-so-"_

"_Miss. Wakefield I have to say," I stopped short when I saw him walk towards me with that grin…that grin that would make me do anything for that man. I quickly dropped my foot when he reached me. I could feel his gaze moving up and down my body sending chills down my spine. "I like that uniform on you,"_

_I quickly gained my composer and smirked. "Well, Mr. Fox as you could tell I'm not in full uniform yet, so you're going to have to-"I felt his lips press hard against mine, and that was all it took to get me lost. My hands roamed slowly against his chest feeling every curve, as he deepened the kiss, I let out a slight moan when his hands roamed up my legs. "Nick…" He pulled me closer to him, I could feel the heat from his body as I raked my hands through his hair. _

"_Jessica," He quickly pulled away fighting to catch his breath, his jaded green eyes looked deeply into mine. His pressed his forehead against mine, a slight smirk playing against his lips. "That uniform looks good with just the shirt and hat,"_

_I giggled at his comment, not wanting to look away from his gaze. "I love you Nick…"_

"_I love you too Jess." He gave me a quick kiss, the continued. "So Miss. Or should I say Detective Wakefield, "He quickly jumped on his bed and patted the empty side beside him. "What kind of game did you have in store for me? Cops and Robbers?"_

_I laughed as I filled the empty side beside him, then slowly straddled his lap. "hmmmm something like that."_

**END FLASHBACK**

"Miss Wakefield?"

"huh?" I slowly focused my gaze on the cop before me. "I'm sorry Detective- "

"John, just call me John-would you please follow us to your seat?" I slowly nodded my head as he gently pulled my arm. I followed him closely as the other cops followed slowly behind me. _Nick…this is really it…_

_When I hear your voice  
Its drowning in a whisper  
It's Just skins and bones  
There's nothing left to take_

I swallowed the lump in my throat as we entered the home. We walked slowly down the aisle; I could feel the gazes of my friends bore into me, but I kept my gaze forward. There it was…his casket surrounded by red roses all neatly placed in jars. My breath caught in my throat as I spotted his picture between the arrangements of roses. His smile…those forest green eyes that I will never get to look into ever again…those arms that had once made me feel so safe and secure…It's gone it's all gone, Nick's really gone. I felt the Officer…what was is name again? Jordan? I felt him gently squeeze my arm, I quickly looked at him and nodded my head as he offered me a sympathetic smile. The hole….started to nudge as we took our seats.

_No matter what I do I can't make you feel better  
If only I could find the answer  
To help me understand..._

_

* * *

  
_

It wasn't easy for him, to watch himself being place into the ground but it had to be done. No matter who got hurt in the end this was something he had to do…mainly for her. He would do anything if it meant keeping her out of harm's way. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he watched her bury her face in her hands…._Jessica please understand…._ He had to turn away when he watch her crumple to the ground….it tore him to pieces as he took heavy steps back to the car. Her sobs echoing throughout the grave yard as he choked back the tears that threatened to fall. He slowly shook his head as he opened the back door and slid into the back seat. "I'm ready to leave Chief Wallace."

_Sometimes I wish I could save you  
And there're so many things that I want you to know  
I wont give up till it's over  
If it takes you forever I want you to know  
Thanks for readingggggg!  
That if you fall, stumble down  
I'll pick you up off the ground  
If you lose faith in you  
I'll give you strength to pull through  
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall  
Oh you know I'll be there for you_

_If only I could find the answer  
To take it all away_

_Sometimes i wish i could save you  
And there're so many things that I want you to know  
I wont give up till it's over  
If it takes you forever I want you to know  
I wish I could save you  
I want you to know  
I wish I could save you_

_

* * *

  
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Song credit "Save You" by Simple Plan...very good song! Sooooo what do you guys think?? REVIEW! No review…no new chapter  Thanks for reading!


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